Things which have been circling around my head.

Some things I just want to share with the world (and by world I mean the people who may read this) 

1. In my world, there are no good or bad influences.  There are merely influences who help us experience the whole range of what it means to live.  By calling people good or bad influences, then it takes away the responsibility of our actions, and I take responsibility for everything I do including the bad times I have had in my head.  That is not to say there are not negative influences, people who need to be cut out for your own sake so that you are left with a number of people who make your life a fun and better life.

2. I will be ever eternally thankful for the people who showed me new ways of being, who prompted me to examine stuff in my life, whether they knew it or not.  The people who opened my mind, taught me how to love myself, to not hide behind the myriad of defences I had built up over the years.

3. Since taking control of my back problems my bounce has returned.  I hadn’t realize how low I had fallen again, looking back it was obvious but I had almost returned to bad ways of hiding it behind fake smiles. 

4. I now roll in whole new ways, I have made my peace with stuff that had built up over the year, realisations about some things which at the time I didn’t deal with so it festered in my head.  The frustrations and unhappiness have melted away and I feel a lot more assured of myself. I am also finally enjoying the ride that life is.

5. I am now (I hope) more open with people, well some people. 

6. I have let go off so much bad stuff in my head. 

I know I have a penchant for the overly dramatic, sometimes in a fun way where I am taking the piss, other times because that is how it felt in my head but I mean this with every word, for all the awesome people who have come into my life and made it better even if it has been ‘cause you have taught me something about myself with your fuck-upery, I wouldn’t be here.   Some of you I love, some of you I would still take a bullet for.

There is so much more I could write about, but these are some things that are within my head. 

I realize that some of this may well be cryptic and I may have fallen back into my trap of saying a lot but revealing little.

Friday 3rd May - Good versus evil.

Goodness, morality, badness and immoral are all social constructs. What I see as immoral you may see as moral, values held in the 19^th century some of us still laud, some of us find reprehensible. How do we arrive at such places in life? Why should I be made to feel bad because I live my life by a different moral code? We get disappointed in friends when they don't meet our standards, and I know I have high, almost impossible standards which no-one could be realistically expected to keep but knowing that does not make it any easier. I expect to be treated the way I treat people but I conveniently ignore the times I have been selfish or not there for someone when they have needed me. I know that makes me a hypocrite.  However, over recent months I have learnt a lot about myself. I finally feel like I have an understanding of my head, it doesn't make it any easier because it's almost out of my control.  However, now I know do I share with all? or do I just let those I trust know? I also realized why some people have never seen certain sides of me, and the only way I can explain it is because they act like a light.  I seem to have veered off course from what I was going to initially write about which was good versus evil.  Do we all have good and all have evil in us? Or may be what I wanted to write about was me and how my heads work and how I see life.  I used to think I was "good" but I have found recently that I veer more towards what may be considered bad. Or maybe I just enjoy life and roll with it and don't over think things.  

2013 is upon us

So 2013 is here, and today I have written a couple of badly poems which for a change I am going to share on here.  I know I usually have some kind of rant on here....religion, advertising or updating you about what's going on in my life but I am not going to discuss that shit on here, that is private no matter how open I may have become with myself about what is going on in my head, it seems that is the only way to deal with my back problems which I think were largely psychosomatic.  I am still here despite having said my goodbyes to certain people in November, I am sorry if I created anxiety or if I still cause anxiety when I get a certain way but I came through.......so with that in mind

"Lying and praying for something to take the pain away

praying to something I have never believed in to make it go away

an exercise in futility that some mystical words and I'd feel better

some bullshit reasoning to think I could wish it all away

thoughts of pills and drink to wash it all it away

'cause everything inside wanted it's goddamn say
everything wanted it's day

but unconsciousness took me to another place

somewhere to rest a troubled head and weary heart

and I'd like to say images of you saved me

or memories of friends were responsible

but like the times before when sat with a knife, or looking at the sea

the one thing that came to save me was me

my own selfishness that I fail to hide and lie that it's had it's time"

written today 7th January 2013.  

Before writing this one, I wrote this one which started coming to me on my way home, if you know my writings, the "you" is usually not defined as one person and I don't think it is in this one, no-one certainly came to mind whilst writing it and that is not to protect anyone, just the truth.

Stood on the edge of time,
watching all the stars flicker out
as they die one by one

and my memories go racing

back through time
to when I used to sit and
look at the stars in your eyes

and they were all for me
but then I was stood on the edge of

our time together, falling

and all the stars they went out

and a blackness was all I saw
and the bejewelled sea I used to bathe in
had turned dark and unwelcoming
where monsters lurked beneath the surface
and all my fears had were becoming realized

So on the edge of time
I stand and wait
waiting for the rebirth of a new time

to call my own

as life never started with you
and nor shall it end with you"

The next post may be back to me railing against society.

I have read a lot of taoism recently and about embracing change and have not felt this strong or positive for a long time.

Love, Peace, Harmony. 

 

God? Nah, I'll take science thank you.

God? Nah, never needed it.

So where to start, I guess most of you who will read this will probably be aware of my feelings of organised religion and that I am an atheist, not agnostic. Not blinded by a faith dreamt up 2000 years ago, nor blinded by science. Evolution is FACT. The evidence is there. It makes me chuckle that an argument against evolution is that it is called The Theory Of Evolution which shows a massive misunderstanding of what theory means in this context. I have part read the bible when we were given one in secondary school, and found it dull and uninspiring.  Why do you need a book to tell you how to live your life? "The 10 Commandments" = good shit to live your life by sure but what about all the other stuff contained within the monotheistic religious texts; condoning of rape, the legal murder of "heretics" by the Jewish army in the old testament I could go on but this not about listing all the shit wrong in the Bible. http://www.infidels.org/library/modern/jim_meritt/bible-contradictions.html http://www.thethinkingatheist.com/page/bible-contradictions

Visit these two sites for more information on the contradictions/inconsistencies found within the book. Yes, evidence suggests that the historical character of Jesus may have existed and that his message may have been one of peace and love but his message and biography is very similar to deities that went before him, but when I see the vitriol spouted from hateful people in God's name then something seems to have gone wrong? but what about the evidence that has been ignored or hidden as suggested by the Dead Sea Scrolls Deception.  Websites like Godhatesfags.com amongst others horrify me, they really do.  If there is a god which there isn't, would he/she/it/they give a single solitary fuck about where people are putting there sexual organs? The idea that God is like man is a fairly gross distortion from the original idea of god being ineffable and something we would never be able to understand read The History of God by Karen Armstrong is a very interesting read starting from the beginning which is a very good place to start. I don't judge people for holding religious beliefs as long as they keep them private and DO NOT use it to think they are better than another group of people or to keep a certain demographic down such as the role Christianity has played in trying to prevent equality for women for starters.

Yes I know the Bible is a collection of stories to lead a better life but when it is used to be shitty to another group? Then surely the point has been missed, and people are so blinkered that they go "look this bit is good" but ignore the horribleness found within it. Give me wonderful science and the natural world any time of a day than someone in the sky judging my actions.  I know science does not have all the answers, and there is so much about the human body we don't understand but I will take science with its evolution and gravity and its testable hypothesises. 

Following some  reading which I have done what worries me is that not necessarily in this country, but definitely in America that atheists are viewed with suspicion, that somehow the ability to think for oneself and not follow the crowd is a bad thing?! and that somehow being atheist means that we struggle with morality, I don't need a book to tell me what is right and wrong, I have had a good upbringing which was warm, affectionate and treated me respect.  Watch this clip  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VgHoyTvyh4o  to watch Richard Dawkins slap someone down who suggests atheists can't have absolute morality. Some of the most amoral people have been so-called Christians, or people acting in the name of god, which if you think about it is very conceited. The fact that they think they would know what god would somehow meant. I am sorry if this is coming across as an attack on Christians, that is not my intention but majority of my reading has been around Christianity, no religion is free from attacking like dicks against another ethnic group even different cults within the same religion Protestants Vs Catholics, Sunnis Vs Shia.

I will never comprehend the fundamentalism of right wing Christians who kill doctors performing abortions, the Taliban and Saudi govt for their apparent hatred of women shown by the stoning and beheading of women on a regular basis or the gross female circumcision. Or the impact of the Conquistadors on the Americas or the impact of those escaping religious intolerance had on the native tribes of North America, the war on women in the dark ages and the role that the Catholic Church had in this.

I believe in religious freedom but not when it is entwined with hatred, and I don't agree with tax free status they seem to get. There is no place for religion in government and this is why in my opinion it means that people who get into power can then use their power to push their own agenda which may be against the wishes of the electorate. All you need to see is how the Right Wing Fundamentalists have hijacked the Republican Party in America.

I never push my beliefs on others and would like the same back.

And have Jehovah Witnesses' ever been successful in converting someone by knocking on their door? I was once asked if I knew of anyone on the street who would be interested in what they say? I wanted to reply "let me just check my idiot list, yes number 42 are up for a bit of religion".

If you have faith in religion and it gives you strength then good for you, but God, Nah I don't need it.  In my eyes there is so much wrong with organised religion and I don't need to be part of a group who follows blindly and tries to take a moral high-road on a number of issues. 

(One day I may write something which flows a bit better than this, and yes I realise I could save this as a draft and hone it but I have said what I need to say)

"morally wrong" you say, "f**k you" I say

Another misinformed, badly written blog

I keep meaning to use these to talk about what’s been going on in my life but then realise who really wants to read that and also who is going to read a ranty blog about the state of things with no figures/stats/evidence to back it up.  I will leave that to the professional writers who need to make sure they have these to hand.

So today (Tuesday) the news broke that it’s “morally wrong” that people pay tradesmen cash-in-hand.  First off, where the FUCK does the government get off on deciding what is morally wrong when it comes to anything?! They bend over backwards to let the financial sector and big business fuck the tax payers over either by bailouts or agreeing ridiculous tax bills with companies like Vodafone who get to pay a fraction of the tax bill they should pay. Think of the amount of TAX PAYERS money used to prop up the financial sector back in 2008/09 when the crisis first hit us, was this our making? No. Did we agree to them using our money to bet on hedge funds and other ridiculous shit, for lack of a better word, like the Futures market. No. Who fucking suffers? Us. How do we suffer? With the lie that by cutting services, the public sector, benefits that this will somehow encourage growth.  I still remember DickFace, sorry Cameron, explaining that somehow the private sector would somehow create jobs for all the thousands of public sector workers who faced unemployment.  Don’t get me wrong there is a lot of waste and unnecessary posts and ridiculously high wages in the public sector but austerity cuts like these DO NOT encourage growth. Fact. 

And after their “promises” that the NHS would not be privatised, what are we seeing? They are allowing NHS trusts to go broke. Yes PFI may have been introduced by the Labour government but that is no excuse. This is not a defence of ridiculous NEW Labour policies. New Labour were also a bunch of self serving pricks in bed with corporations and the financial sector whilst eroding our civil liberties and Blair wants to come back into politics.  The man who takes money from JP Chase Morgan and Uzbekistan here you go if you need information on this wonderfully free country http://www.hrw.org/europecentral-asia/uzbekistan 

The Capitalist system does not work. We need a massive rethink about private ownership of companies and how they fit with each other. We need a rethink in diplomacy and how we treat each other.  We need to rethink how we treat this planet. I do not like using this word but the rape of Planet Earth has to end and real sustainable renewable energy needs to be the focus and not biofuels which place energy needs above the dietary needs of people http://www.howtopowertheworld.com/disadvantages-of-biofuels.shtml look here for some information if needed.  Yes we need to rethink fossil fuels and quickly yet there is no pressure for Shell, BP and various others to actually do it, and neither is the pressure there for governments due to the massive payments that these companies have to be making.

I could go on more but this rant for now is over. 

News from the Mattyverse

Preamble - So I tend to write when I am in work and then re-read it back to see if I want to share it, and in work I can seemingly marshal my thoughts a little bit better. I also get topics come into my head when I am working to walk listening to music but I thought it was time for a break from a typical Matty rant, the types of rants that people more eloquent, articulate and more importantly funny embark on but there you go.  


(The important stuff you should read, really! No pressure but seriously life altering stuff) We are six months into 2012 and it is shaping up into being a very fine year, the kind of year where in the future if it were a wine it would be a vintage.  After the very shaky start which saw me end up in hospital and needing emergency surgery to have my gall bladder removed, it has just got better and better (even to moments of pure ecstasy more on that later.  If you have read previous posts then you will have already read how unwell I actually was and how it took the removal of my gall bladder and stepping back from life to see how poorly physically, emotionally and mentally I actually I was.

Through the course of 2012, through the support of loved ones and maybe through the removal of the aforementioned offending organ (although funny that I just typed girl in there before organ, no prizes for guessing the offending girl though!) I have got better and better, my anxieties have largely gone, the bounce and smile are back in meaningful ways along with self confidence and belief to stand up for myself and not keep the peace anymore in family matters which has lead to confrontation which I do hate.

I have done so much fun so far this year, highlights of which include going to Liverpool for the night with my girlfriend Sarah and her little one, spending time with my best friends and their little one, a civilized meal for my 31st (yep 31 and I still find it surprising that I got here but this is not the place for the dark days of my past) I had an awesome drunken unexpected night in Leamington (not calling it's full name), Slam Dunk in Leeds was a lot of fun as it involved too much booze and loud music, I have  been to Orlando and there were some proper moments of sheer joy such as going on the Hulk Ride and Harry Potter @ Universal Worlds of Adventure
along with seeing Coheed and Cambria and meeting the lovely Julie Brown. 


There is still so much to come this year; celebrating Sarah's birthday, Shell Island, Gaslight Anthem, Just So Festival and plans afoot for more awesomeness.  I am growing older, never up....and more comic book/graphic novel collection keeps growing  

So where does life go from here? Onward and upwards,  yes I still get low and I still don't know why although I do blame the man period for why it happens on a regular occasion (I think I may have used occasion on one too many occasions....did you see what I did there? I really do split my sides with my word play skills).

There are no earth shattering epiphanies held within this blog and no "the moral of the story is", I will leave the lessons to Thundercats as it worked for me and I am sure countless others of my generation.

Some people have fallen out of my life for a variety of reasons some of which I may be to blame for but that is the nature of friendships, but some are stronger and I feel there are people around I can count on when necessary and I want to see more of these people now life is settling down and I have my health back. 


I love my life, my little family and the friends I have who kick my ass when it's necessary. I have also met some lovely people in 2012 as well and am at almost peace with myself and the decisions I have made which I have lead to me writing this today.

Matty C

Love, Peace and Harmony. 

Musings about adverts

MAY 2012 - ADVERTS DRIVE ME GRRRY


So my plan to write regularly to keep things building up in my head totally failed, then I realised I was waiting for something to happen to provide inspiration to make me want to write again.

Adverts in the United States of America are crazy, I don't really see adverts back home as I don't watch much normal TV.  I caught an advert trying to sell some product to aid weightloss and it's final line was "Being thin is great", no wonder some people have an issue with their body image when they are bombarded day and night with both images of airbrushed perfect people and lines like that during adverts.


People who work in advertising/marketing only have one agenda which is to make people buy more shit that they don't need.  I don't get how advertising works, I realize half of it is to inform people about certain products being out on the market but the amount of lies they tell in adverts is astounding such as Lynx with the offer that if you wear it you will become irresistible to the opposite sex, don't get me wrong I understand the appeal of that but its horseshit. Or adverts for cars which suggest you will be luckier in your love life which seems to be the focus of a lot of adverts, and seriously who takes their partner to McDonald's for "make up coffee", get some fucking class in your life if you are one of those people, or maybe your ex/soon to be ex- partner just wants a McDonald's breakfast and wants you to pay.

I hadn't really forgotten the amount of adverts that get thrown at you in the USA but how do they sit and watch so many adverts during a 22 minute program stretched to 30 minutes with adverts....8 minutes of adverts and then you get in the car and the billboards....oh the billboards especially the ones pushing political agendas such as the anti-abortion ones which in Florida are seemingly everywhere.

Another phenomena we don't have in England, although I may be wrong in this respect is the sheer amount of adverts they have in the USA for restaurants/fast food places, it's mind-boggling, it really is.  "eat here, no eat here, use this coupon and get this free, buy this one meal and get 5 kiddies meals free we know you don't have 5 children but we are preying on the fact you're a fat lazy dumbass who will think it's a bargain!" .  


Also free refills, that's what a nation with an obesity crisis needs! easier free access to sugar and sweeteners, the waitresses look at you like you're mental when you turn down a 3rd drink, granted most of the drink is fucking ice! Oh the ice! So much ice!! That's probably why they can do the free refills, anyone agree? I remember playing Theme Park and cranking up the amount of ice you put into the drinks to ensure that one drink does not quench the thirst!

We live in such a consumer capitalist society in the US and Britain that I can't see things getting better in turns of consumption and people only buying what they actually need which if were to happen would decrease the pressure on the rapidly depleting world's natural resources. Just saying ya know? New ways of thinking have to be approached