Things which have been circling around my head.

Some things I just want to share with the world (and by world I mean the people who may read this) 

1. In my world, there are no good or bad influences.  There are merely influences who help us experience the whole range of what it means to live.  By calling people good or bad influences, then it takes away the responsibility of our actions, and I take responsibility for everything I do including the bad times I have had in my head.  That is not to say there are not negative influences, people who need to be cut out for your own sake so that you are left with a number of people who make your life a fun and better life.

2. I will be ever eternally thankful for the people who showed me new ways of being, who prompted me to examine stuff in my life, whether they knew it or not.  The people who opened my mind, taught me how to love myself, to not hide behind the myriad of defences I had built up over the years.

3. Since taking control of my back problems my bounce has returned.  I hadn’t realize how low I had fallen again, looking back it was obvious but I had almost returned to bad ways of hiding it behind fake smiles. 

4. I now roll in whole new ways, I have made my peace with stuff that had built up over the year, realisations about some things which at the time I didn’t deal with so it festered in my head.  The frustrations and unhappiness have melted away and I feel a lot more assured of myself. I am also finally enjoying the ride that life is.

5. I am now (I hope) more open with people, well some people. 

6. I have let go off so much bad stuff in my head. 

I know I have a penchant for the overly dramatic, sometimes in a fun way where I am taking the piss, other times because that is how it felt in my head but I mean this with every word, for all the awesome people who have come into my life and made it better even if it has been ‘cause you have taught me something about myself with your fuck-upery, I wouldn’t be here.   Some of you I love, some of you I would still take a bullet for.

There is so much more I could write about, but these are some things that are within my head. 

I realize that some of this may well be cryptic and I may have fallen back into my trap of saying a lot but revealing little.

Friday 3rd May - Good versus evil.

Goodness, morality, badness and immoral are all social constructs. What I see as immoral you may see as moral, values held in the 19^th century some of us still laud, some of us find reprehensible. How do we arrive at such places in life? Why should I be made to feel bad because I live my life by a different moral code? We get disappointed in friends when they don't meet our standards, and I know I have high, almost impossible standards which no-one could be realistically expected to keep but knowing that does not make it any easier. I expect to be treated the way I treat people but I conveniently ignore the times I have been selfish or not there for someone when they have needed me. I know that makes me a hypocrite.  However, over recent months I have learnt a lot about myself. I finally feel like I have an understanding of my head, it doesn't make it any easier because it's almost out of my control.  However, now I know do I share with all? or do I just let those I trust know? I also realized why some people have never seen certain sides of me, and the only way I can explain it is because they act like a light.  I seem to have veered off course from what I was going to initially write about which was good versus evil.  Do we all have good and all have evil in us? Or may be what I wanted to write about was me and how my heads work and how I see life.  I used to think I was "good" but I have found recently that I veer more towards what may be considered bad. Or maybe I just enjoy life and roll with it and don't over think things.  

2013 is upon us

So 2013 is here, and today I have written a couple of badly poems which for a change I am going to share on here.  I know I usually have some kind of rant on here....religion, advertising or updating you about what's going on in my life but I am not going to discuss that shit on here, that is private no matter how open I may have become with myself about what is going on in my head, it seems that is the only way to deal with my back problems which I think were largely psychosomatic.  I am still here despite having said my goodbyes to certain people in November, I am sorry if I created anxiety or if I still cause anxiety when I get a certain way but I came through.......so with that in mind

"Lying and praying for something to take the pain away

praying to something I have never believed in to make it go away

an exercise in futility that some mystical words and I'd feel better

some bullshit reasoning to think I could wish it all away

thoughts of pills and drink to wash it all it away

'cause everything inside wanted it's goddamn say
everything wanted it's day

but unconsciousness took me to another place

somewhere to rest a troubled head and weary heart

and I'd like to say images of you saved me

or memories of friends were responsible

but like the times before when sat with a knife, or looking at the sea

the one thing that came to save me was me

my own selfishness that I fail to hide and lie that it's had it's time"

written today 7th January 2013.  

Before writing this one, I wrote this one which started coming to me on my way home, if you know my writings, the "you" is usually not defined as one person and I don't think it is in this one, no-one certainly came to mind whilst writing it and that is not to protect anyone, just the truth.

Stood on the edge of time,
watching all the stars flicker out
as they die one by one

and my memories go racing

back through time
to when I used to sit and
look at the stars in your eyes

and they were all for me
but then I was stood on the edge of

our time together, falling

and all the stars they went out

and a blackness was all I saw
and the bejewelled sea I used to bathe in
had turned dark and unwelcoming
where monsters lurked beneath the surface
and all my fears had were becoming realized

So on the edge of time
I stand and wait
waiting for the rebirth of a new time

to call my own

as life never started with you
and nor shall it end with you"

The next post may be back to me railing against society.

I have read a lot of taoism recently and about embracing change and have not felt this strong or positive for a long time.

Love, Peace, Harmony.